A piteous handful of movies, January to June 2009

So, I summed up the books I’ve read so far this year in the previous post; now the turn has come to the movies. Same concept, same execution, only this time I’ll skip a hell of a lot more than I did with the novels. Oh, and for those who might wonder, no, Watchmen isn’t here, as I decided not to watch it after rereading the comic and discovering that it really was all the Watchmen I need. I’ll probably watch it some time in in the future, if things turn out that way, but it’s not something I’ll bother striving for.

Max Manus
The big Norwegian blockbuster of the year, Max Manus tells the story of a group of Norwegian resistance fighters during the German occupation of 1940 to 1945. I must admit my expectations were fairly low, as I tend to loathe most Norwegian movies. But this one was quite good. Of course, none of the actors really had the gravitas to pull of their parts, but in spite of this the plot was excitingly executed, and the action scenes were particularly well shot, as they exploded out of almost nothing, lasted for fairly short stretches of time and were realistically brutal. Finally, it was nice to see these guys get some love again; the last thirty years really haven’t been kind to the few people who actually stood up to the Nazi bastards. The only truly disappointing thing was that they didn’t take the extra five minutes to find out what happened to Solveig, the poor girl who fell in love with a Gestapo officer. There were some glimpses of the public shavings, but that was all. Still, and 7.5 out of 10, as I felt generous from the positive surprise.

Hellboy
I think I’ve reviewed this one before, but I need to do so again. You see, I remember defending this movie over at Amras’ blog a few years ago, and now I discovered it is a crappy movie. A lot of potential, but it all fizzles out in dead jokes, dumb bad guys and a silly plot. A weak 3.5 out of 10.

Juno
Ah, the joys of a properly executed secular, moderate pro-life movie! Makes my moderate and secular little pro-life heart skip a beat or two. Not flawless, but extremely cute. 9.0 out of 10.

Female Agents
A French movie I picked up because it had an awesome title and cover, this is a fun little flick about a troop of French women sent to France in 1944 to rescue and/or assassinate anyone who might know the D-day plans, which a French officer was captured with. Or something like that. It’s supposedly based on real events, which is cool, as that leaves France with a bit more honour after their 1940 thrashing. (Although the Maginot Line doesn’t.) It was quite realistic and awesome, too; with a fairly high casualty rate, and a lack of sentimentality among all its melodrama and hero-worship. 7.5 out of 10, out of a sense of obligation to gender equality.

Be Kind Rewind
Would have been perfect if it hadn’t been for Jack Black. It’s still pretty good, though. Quirky, funny and beautiful. 9.0 out of 10.

The Black Dahlia
A bit inconsistent, quality-wise, during the middle parts, but all in all this new noir was kinda good. Even Josh Hartnett. 7.5 out of 10.

Hercules
One of my favourite Disney flicks, this. I love the style of animation and the humour; it also helped to watch it in a dark Athens apartment with like-minded students of the Ancients. 9.0 out of 10.

Troy
Not as bad as I remembered. It’s a bit badly paced, the amounts of time wasted on striking dramatic poses are ridiculous, and it’s odd, to say the least, that 1200 BC temples are decorated with seventh century kouroi statuary. But all in all it’s a decent amalgamation of The Illiad and Book II of The Aenid. 6.0 out of 10.

Angels and Demons
What can I say? I was in Rome, and a movie theatre on the same block as one of the churches in the movie had an English language version running. Besides, this was good fun, and the constant twists weren’t as obvious and bad as those in The Da Vinci Code. The techno babble was pants, though. 6.5 out of 10.

Lost in Space
Horribly acted, especially the children, but that’s to be expected. Oh, and that Joey Tribbiani fellow, whose name I cannot be bothered to remember, of course. Come to think of it, he made those kids look like Edward Norton. Anyway, this movie is always a romp. Too bad they never got around to the sequel. 7.0 out of 10.

Night Watch
So I thought I’d check out the Russian fantasy phenomenon, just to see what it was all about. Turned out it was a gigantic vacuum, draining your intelligence from you and leaving you whishing you’d watched Underworld again instead. 3.0 out of 10.

The Last Legion
So, another attempt at unveiling the “history” behind the Arthur mythos. Bollocks as usual, as there is no or at least very little such “history”, but at least we get a shit movie to laugh at. In this one, Uther Pendragon is really Romulus Augustus, last emperor of the Western Roman Empire, while Mr. Darc- er, I mean, Colin Firth is his last loyal general after Odoacer and his Goths invade Rome. Together with a band of Roman legionnaires who, in DnD terms would be at least 15th level fighters, they set out on a quest, first to recover the Sword of Caesar, also known as Excalibur, or a convenient pseudo-Latin name from which Excalibur could be derived. Then they set out for Britannia, and Hadrian’s Wall, where rumour has it the last legion loyal to the caesars are stationed. (The last legion – get it?) All in all a very droll experience, unhistorical almost to every last detail (like the portrayal of the ambassador from the Eastern Empire as some kind of Persian, with Indian bodyguards), but boy, was it entertaining! 5.5 out of 10.

King Arthur
Having enjoyed the pleasures of The Last Legion one night, I of course had to partake of the joys of King Arthur the next. Which offered more of the same, albeit with a much larger budget, taking itself much more seriously (The Last Legion was produced by Mr. and Mrs. De Laurentiis, who spent the 80s financing and producing the Conan movies), and with a much less hot main female lead. Anyway, King Arthur has some of the funniest scenes I know of. Such as the introducing texts, where it is claimed that “today most historians agree that the Arthur myth has roots in reality” or some such nonsense. Or the two final scenes, where, in the penultimate one, Arthur first holds a rousing speech about freedom, before he is crowned as King of Britain in the last one. Which would seem to me to be, you know, something at least resembling the definition of irony. Anyway, the movie’s entertaining enough, and I give them a hell of a lot of kudos and cred for incorporating the heretical thoughts of Pelagius, the early church’s ostracised champion of free will, as some sort of freedom credo. That’s a nice touch I didn’t notice the last time, when I gave this movie a 2.5 or something. This time, I feel more generous, pegging it at 5.5 out of 10.

Oh, and I also watched The Illusionist again, and it was actually almost as awesome the second time as the first, in spite of it relying heavily on a plot twist for its thrills and the fact that I had to hide my face from those I watched it with, as I feared my grin during the seemingly most tragic scenes could spoil things for them… 9.0 out of 10.